Open Eyes

My husband and I have been going through a lot of "stuff" the last six months. I'm sick of thinking about most of it and quite honestly felt my life slipping away from me more times than I'd like to admit, but one thing I would like to say is how blessed these past hardships have made me. I feel a center of peace and hope that it will soon be alright.

The dark period is not fully over, but my eyes have been opened to life, love, friendship and faith. I have finally came back to terms with my faith (which I have been doubting and neglecting for quite some time) and I feel really good about the future. My husband actually enjoys our new church and we have been consistantly going to mass a family. It feels good. I also feel pretty good about disassociating with toxic people that return nothing in regards to support, respect and love.

I've always known that I have had people in my life that were there for show. I have lots of "material stuff" in my life that serves the same purpose. Most of these people are so concerned with how good they look and how high they can climb socially that they don't have the sort of substance and heart I look for in a faithful friend. I can't afford financially or emotionally to hang with them.

So, as I sell off and eliminate unnecissary material goods that serve no purpose to the survivial of my family I think about the people that pose as friends in my life. I also think of how sad it is to be shallow and money driven. It is a life without money that has made me see that all I need is my family and the friends that actually care. Thats all.

Perhaps the nicest hidden blessing is the alination and cutting off that some of these "friends" have done to me and my husband. I'm not fully sure all of them have done it on purpose, but I know a few have for sure (its a small town and people have a uncanny knack of talking). I'm actually relieved. Though I am slightly confused why people turn for reasons out of my control, I am relieved that I didnt have to be the person to "divorce" a "friend". Its easier to let time drive the wedge, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth to cut someone out. Since it has been done to me I dont have to have the guilt and I'm not hurt at all. It is actually a rare gift.

As the new year is around the corner and I feel a heavy weight slowly lifting off of me I look forward. I look forward to building old and true relationships and I look forward to creating new ones. Most of all I look forward to staying true to my new sense of self and way of living. I feel like a slow moving version of the Phoenix. My rise from the flames is going to take awhile, but I will be reborn fully someday soon.